This Space For Rent

Why the fuck does everyone want to move to MySpace? Is it really that much better? We’ve got such a good little circle going on here at Friendster, and my profile is all set up and everything. It’s a lot of work, and I’m fucking lazy.

So, if you haven’t seen Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg do The Chronic WHAT?-cles of Narnia, you’ve been missing out.

Don’t say I never gave you anything for giftmas. And remember, Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious.

Peace.

1. The Friendster Chat beta-program sucks my nuts. Don’t bother.

2. Fake hot chicks sending me messages SUCK EVEN HARDER. I was all like, “I got a message from a hot chick.” She just got to Seattle, she’s looking for new folk, can I show her around? FUCKING A I CAN! Wait, she gave me her real email? That’s a little fishy…Oh hey, another hot chick sent me a message. WOO HOO! I’m hot shit. And her message is…exactly…the same…as the first one. God dammit.

3. What’s worse than a flat tire on your bike on the way home? One on a brand spanking new bike, on the third ride ever. Through no fault of my own. The bike shop says they’ll fix it for free, but I can’t get it in until Sunday. God dammit.

Better things:

I went to the giftmas party Amy Burton and her gentleman Russel (is that right, Amy?) threw. He is really, really cool. British, well-mannered, a hell of a host, and a generally great guy. I rode there and back with Kate Parker and Jenny Schmit (regular reunion!), and we spent most of the ride back talking about how much we liked him. Everyone be happy for Amy, as she has struck gentlemanly gold.

Oh, and he was wearing a kilt. Bonus points all around.

We’ve got all new G5 Macs at work, and soon they’ll be on our desks. Today and tomorrow and devoted to training on them. Since I’m already Mac-savvy, it’s a vacation. They have iSight (built in cameras), so expect pictures with cheezy effects soon.

It rains in Seattle. A lot. In case you didn’t know.

Bagpipes + a hip-hop beat = teh RoXxOr (totally sweet, for you non-733t kids out there).

Taking a cue from Amy’s success through match.com, as well as several other people I know, I did something I said I never would. Mind you, I haven’t paid any money. Posting is free, but it costs money to contact people. Scope out some of the fine-assed women on that site. The Stranger is a badass free paper here, and Austin Garrison and I had a lot of fun surfing the ads and discussing it via Messenger.

Because I HATE trying to pick up chicks in bars.

So that’s all the news that’s fit to print. I’m out, beeotches.

With apologies to Austin for outing him, but you gotta admit it’s kinda funny.

First:

Yaz, I didn’t know I had to approve testimonials. Take another look, and check out my profession. Happy?

Dirty Suarez, you make an excellent point. I should say she was trying to get into my kilt. Which I think sounds much more hawter.

Right then. Onto today’s rant. Which is, THE SEATTLE BUS SYSTEM LICKS MY FROZEN NUTSACK!!! I could goddamn WALK to work faster than these late as hell, once every 20 fucking minute busses get me there. I’m waiting in the cold, in a kilt, trying to ignore the crackhead that is trying to sell me candy. Yes, Mr. Crackhead, I really want to buy a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from you for 50 cents at 8:30 in the goddamn morning. And I’m SO interested in whatever random thought is running through your head. Thanks for sharing. What’s this, you’re getting onto the same bus as me? And you’re sitting next to me to continue this one-sided conversation? FUCKING AWESOME. Let me just throw my book out the window for you. Sheesh.

Seriously though, I need my bike back. But it’s in Idaho, way up in Bonners, and I don’t have any viable means of getting it here. I’m seriously thinking of just buying a new one here. There is a nice bike shop near my house that will do 12 months same as cash, plus warranty etc. And then I could get a nice street bike, too. I’m also surfing the used ads on Craigslist, but if I’m gonna drop money on a good bike (and it needs to be good), I may as well spend a little more for high-quality that comes with a warranty. And start to build a relationship with a new bike shop.

I should start working out again, too (if I had a nickel…). Maybe a bike would encourage me to be more active, and then I would be more inclined to go to the gym. As it stands, by the time I get home after riding the fucking bus I don’t want to do anything. 45 minutes to get home, when I could ride in about 15. Maybe less. GAARRGH!

…just pondered the idea of riding a bike to work wearing a kilt…I’d need modesty snaps to keep it closed…hmmmm

Anyway.

I need furniture or something. My room is still really empty, and it’s kind of weird. I’m keeping it messy just to keep it full. When I clean, it feels too spartan. Maybe a fish tank or something. I’ve got a futon, so I don’t need a chair. Some plants would be nice, too. Back to the free listings on Craigslist, I guess.

Right. I’ll leave you with a moment of zen. SenSlip: the world’s first ever artificial retractable foreskin for circumcised men. I shit you not. The page that it links to is Safe For Work (SFW), but proceed farther at your own risk. I do enjoy that they make the uncircumcised wangs look much larger that those that have been chopped. Makes me cringe just to think about it…

Namaste’

Everyone at Utilikilts are totally badass. I think I seriously scored with this job. The people are very very cool, the customers are great, the work is challenging but not difficult, and I get to wear a kilt all day. In three months, I get a $2/hr raise, full benefits, and a free kilt. Totally sweet.

On Friday, Steven (the boss man) comped everyone to go to The Moisture Festival. I quote from the website:

The 3nd annual Moisture Festival returns with a Comedy/Varietè showcase of local, national and international artists. Acrobats, dancers, musicians, clowns, aerialists, comedians, magicians, jugglers and more will inaugurate the new performance venue - Hale’s Palladium at Hale’s Brewery. Built among the kegs, the Palladium is a wonderfully relaxed theater space where you can have a drink, eat well and enjoy act after act of the world’s finest Comedy/Varietè performances.

It was awesome. I didn’t know vaudeville was still alive. The aerialists were great, and one of the fine-ass rope girls lost her top mid-performance. Steven was buying everyone drinks, and we were the loudest and rowdiest people in the place.

Afterwards I went to a house party and spent the evening getting hit on by a dumb bitch. Apparently it was Nate’s part (fucked if I know who Nate is), because he’s going away to Central America. Dumb Bitch was his girlfriend. She was sloppy drunk, and looking for a revenge fuck. I wouldn’t have put up with her shit, but she had stolen my driver’s license (long story) and I was trying to get it back. It was also nice to have someone trying to get into my pants. Always good for the ego.

Oh, and to answer Sandy’s question, I don’t get employee discounts yet. I will after the “probation” period is over, but that’s three months. So y’all will have to wait for your cheap kilts. Because I know you want one. Bushie, I’m looking at you!

Right. Viva la Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Utilikilts hired me. For that, they rule.

That is all.

I have to stop thinking about London when I’m drunk. It’s not healthy. I just get all depressed. Which for me just means sitting quietly nursing a dark beer while my friends chat.

I went out last night with Stan, my Belgium roommate. We met up with his other Belgium friend and his (the friend’s) American girlfriend. She’s been to Europe, so between the three of them I started to hate America just a little bit again. Rrrgh.

Stan’s friend is the most bohemian person I have ever met. Not in a pretentious, beret-wearing, “look at how bohemian I am” kind of way. Just naturally. It was really odd. Nice guy, but it felt like he stepped out of a movie or something. I don’t understand how someone can smile with the corners of their mouth turned down, but it’s true.

Early, early ass yesterday morning my other roommate Adrian paid me to help him clean a boat engine. He works on pre-1950’s engines, mostly boat engines. He’s pretty much done with this big tugboat-turned-crusier he’s been working on, and he had me scrub off all the crud from this huge boat engine. It was actually kind of fun, and I need the money. And yes, I swabbed the deck. I refrained from saying “arrr!” the whole time, though. It was too early and cold.

I hate weekends when I’m trying to find a job. Another two days of no progress. I’m supposed to meet with another temp agency tomorrow, but I’m not sure. The one I’m already with said they can get me work next week as a greeter at a museum. Just stand at the door and look pretty. That shouldn’t be hard. I’m just not sure if I should make an hour’s trip up to see another recruiter. Not that I have anything better to do, mind you. I’m just lazy, and I don’t want to fill out more goddamn forms. Meh.

God willing, I’ll get a call halfway through from Utilikilts or the pet shop or somewhere saying I’m employed. Then I can tell the recruiter I’ve wasted both of our times, and he can sod off.

I think I’m still too bitter and hung over from last night. I’m gonna go sit in the hot tub and spare you all this blather.

Got nothing to do, so I’m posting.

Had my Utilikilts interview today. They are super keen folk, and the general sales manager is HOT. They stress the fact that the dozen-odd people who work there are a family, and they are only interesting in extending said family. They have parties, dinners, and “mom” cooks lunch every Tuesday. I’d get bumped up to $12 an hour after the first month. And I’d get to wear a kilt all day. The interview went really well, and I’ll find out next week. I. Want. This. Job.

Got a dinner party at my house tonight. I might skip it, though. I’m supposed to go out with an old friend. Actually, Autumn is one of the oldest friends. We grew up next door to each other. It’s funny, because when we were little we hated each other. She was a couple of years older, and the big sister of my best friend. She was kinda snotty, and I was a total brat (shocking, I know). But now we’re all grown up and we get along great. And she’s in Seattle.

Speaking of friends in Seattle, I remember this on named Amy Burton. I thought we were going to hang out while her boy was out of town, but apparently I’m not cool enough. Meh. (Just kidding, Amy. But call me, dammit!)

Moved into the new room yesterday. Nice place. Good folk. I’ve met them all now. Stan is from Belgium.

Found an old friend online today. Haven’t talked to Brandon since high school, but we were really close. We tried to keep in touch, but you know how it is. God bless the Intra-Web.

Right then. I hear banging downstairs, which means a roommate has returned. Hopefully with beer. Peace!